On Dissolving Parliament


Whenever I hear or read “dissolve Parliament” I picture all the MP’s squabbling around with each other and as the Prime Minister finishes counting the votes, he’s sweating tensely and counting the votes slower until the final ballot, and in the end he announces “And the body of right honorable gentlemen decides… that Parliament ought to be dissolved” and with that he lifts a door on his desk under which is a big red button with the words “DISSOLVE- DO NOT PRESS UNLESS SERIOUS” written around it and then, closing his eyes, he brings his fist hard down upon the button, smashing it into the podium. Meanwhile the chaos around him continues and red lights begin to flash and sirens begin to sound, as the walls of the chamber open up and a deluge of some interestingly named chemical begins to flood the assembly by the thousands of gallons, and the panicking politicians mill about as their bodies begin to dissolve at the molecular level by intricate chemical reactions none of them ever took the time to understand, and their wails and their end-scene-of-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark-esque death faces are immortalized by the security cameras meant to carry out basic human security duties. Within minutes there is nothing but a sloshy solution of acid and particle-sized human remains, and some massive drains open up, allowing the filth to wash away to the sewers to be carried away to the nearest body of water to contaminate people’s showers and sinks. When the room is finally dry again, and restored to its original glory, the masterless ministers of government call for new elections and the democratic process starts all over again.

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